Dealing With Envy & Jealousy (For Actors)

Envy and jealousy aren't fun feelings to deal with, but they're fairly common especially among actors. This topic comes up often in discussion, particularly among actors new to the industry who aren't yet working as much as they'd like to be. While these feelings never really go away for good, there are ways to address them in a more healthy manner so as not to burn bridges or give off negative vibes.

1. Understand and address it.

• Acknowledge the feeling.
  This may sound strange, but it’s easy to bury this type of emotion because chances are you feel a little guilty for feeling this way. You can tell someone very close to you whom you know won’t judge or betray your confidence, but you don’t even have to do that - acknowledging it to yourself is good enough. Say it out loud or write it down if you need to. Putting it out there rather than running from it can actually help free you from these negative emotions so you can move on.
  
  
• Understand that these are normal human emotions.
  You’re not a bad person for feeling this way. Acting is a competitive job by nature and it’s completely normal for any type of performer to feel down about not getting the same opportunities as others. We can’t control how something makes us feel—but we can control how we respond to it.
  

2. Get to the bottom of what you’re ACTUALLY feeling.

• Know the difference between jealousy and envy.
  Jealousy is more negative, whereas envy can be redirected in a way to motivate you more positively (more on that later).
  
  Example of envy: “Wow, my friend booked a really cool part. I’m happy for them and they deserve it! But I wish I could book something like that too, and I’m honestly feeling a little sad that I don’t yet have the same accomplishments they do.”
  Example of jealousy: “Wow, my friend booked a really cool part. But honestly, I deserved that opportunity more than they did. I would have been better for the part, and I deserve their success because I’ve [been working harder/doing this longer/am a better actor/etc.]”
  
  Which one are you feeling? If it sounds more like jealousy, it’s time to take a step back and address what’s going on.
  
  
• Deconstruct why someone else's success is making you feel this way.
  As bizarre as it may sound, jealousy can actually help reveal something about yourself and what your true, specific goals are.
  Often, it comes down to one of these three things or some combination of them:
  
  
  1. Need for significance. Even if people don’t care about or even want popularity, most people have a deep seated desire to be acknowledged in some way. For example, seeing all the praise a friend or peer is receiving for a role can make you wish your friends thought that highly of you, too. Follower count can even increase opportunities for castings or promotional appearances, so it’s not necessarily shallow to be concerned or insecure about not receiving acknowledgement.
  2. Financial security. This is another basic human need. It doesn’t have to mean wanting to be rich - it can simply mean the desire to be able to pursue your career full-time without worrying about how you're going to make ends meet. If you’re struggling to pay your bills, it’s not greedy to want to be making enough money to be able to afford a comfortable living space or invest in great audio gear or a killer demo. If you're working hard all the time at a day job, it's not greedy to wish that you were making enough off of your creative passions to be able to quit.
     
  3. Opportunity. This is probably the biggest. Fear of missing out is real, and a lot of times, the reason you want to book a certain gig isn't necessarily because of the paycheck or the popularity of the franchise (although those are certainly nice side effects), but because you are passionate about the work and know you’d have fun doing it. It can compound your frustration when someone you know gets an opportunity you really wanted but they see it as just another paycheck, whereas you were hoping to book it because you were excited for the experience itself.
     
     By pinpointing what your deeper desires are, you can more effectively address them in healthy ways---such as cultivating new and existing friendships with peers, developing a business plan, or aiming to increase your auditioning opportunities.
     

3. Keep in mind "perception versus reality".

• Remember that other people deal with the same issues you do, even if you don't see it.
  As mentioned in my previous mindset post, people tend to put on a good face for social media and other public settings. Chances are even the other actors you envy or look up to deal with the same insecurities and setbacks that you do! You're just not seeing them because people don't tend to share their vulnerabilities with those whom they aren't close to.
  
  
• Know that even the things you may envy others for often have their own downsides.
  
  *Many well known actors would tell you that while they love their fans overall, they sometimes deal with fans who act entitled to their attention, disregard boundaries, or even stalk them! Being well known also may increase the amount of negative comments directed at/about you, not just positive ones. The upside to relative anonymity is that chances are, you have a lot less people bothering you.
  
  *While traveling to conventions can be an incredible opportunity, it can be exhausting - not to mention the stress of packing, getting to the airport, preparing materials for presentations, and anxiety over missed or delayed flights. Some actors who do multiple conventions a month even end up missing out on work to be there, as being out of town for a convention weekend makes them unavailable for booking on two days (Thursday and Friday) out of the workweek. For actors with social anxiety, it can also be tiring because they have to be “on” all weekend especially when they are being videotaped and photographed.
  
  *Having gigs all the time is great as it means more opportunities and more money, but anyone can tell you that being constantly busy has its downsides. Working all the time means less time to spend with family and friends or on other hobbies, and going out of town is always a risk as it could mean missing out on work opportunities. Actors are never really "off the clock" and especially in the modern age of technology, they are expected to be constantly available.
  
  
• Remember there are much bigger things outside of your bubble.
  For example, if you hang out with a bunch of people who are into anime and games, you might constantly hear them talk about certain voice actors they are fans of and feel a little envious because people don’t really talk about you that way. But once you go outside of that specific niche world, most random people on the street wouldn’t necessarily know or care who specific English dub actors are or have even watched/played most of those properties.
  

4. Deal with your feelings in a healthy way.

• Unplug from social media.
  Social media is one of the biggest culprits in igniting feelings of jealousy. When you constantly see everyone else humblebragging and vagueposting about all their cool job opportunities, it's easy to compare yourself and feel inadequate. If you're depressed, get off of Twitter and Facebook for a bit and do something else. Play a video game, bake something, go to the gym, sit down and draw or write.
  
  
• Keep yourself busy, even with other things.
  The busier you are, the less time you have to stew over the things that aren't happening for you. See if you can pick up extra hours at work. Volunteer for a cause that's important to you. Learn a new creative skill or hobby. Or, use that free time to better your own situation by marketing your skills to new clients or signing up for a workshop!
  
  
• Take stock of your own accomplishments.
  Make lists of things you are grateful for. Do this at least once a year. I like to post "VAC Challenges" on holidays---on Thanksgiving, everyone has to make a list of what they are thankful for. On New Years, people have to make a list of things they already accomplished in the past year AND their goals for the next year. It's easy to always have your eye on the future, saying "I want THIS", but it's easy to disregard what you've already done so far!
  
  
• Hang out with friends who aren’t in the same field as you.
  Having actor friends is important, but actors shouldn't be your only friends. Get involved in groups related to your other hobbies and interests, and reach out to those people when you need a breather from just talking about industry stuff all the time. It will help provide a fresh perspective and reinforce the fact that even if acting is your passion, it's not the only thing that matters in life.
  
  
• Redirect your envy into fuel to motivate you.
  This is a big one. When you use your envy to realize what your end goal is, you can then start taking concrete steps toward achieving it. For example, if you're dissatisfied with not getting much recognition for your work, look into tips on social media marketing. If you're upset about not getting opportunities to read on a game franchise you really like, see if you can research who the casting director or recording studio involved is, and find a way to get in front of that person once you're sure you're ready. Remember to start small and keep your goals realistic, or else it's easy to set yourself up for disappointment.
  

• Learn to truly be happy for others.
  Especially if they’re your friends, don’t you want good things for them too? And if you were the one who booked the role, wouldn’t you want them to be happy for you rather than upset? Support others and they will support you in kind - positive energy really does come back around!
  
  
• Learn to let go of entitlement.
  It's not fun, but we all have to realize that nobody is entitled to a role, or an audition, or an award. If you send off an audition or enter a contest with the mentality that you deserve to win, chances are you will be disappointed because statistically, the odds are slim. Do your best, work hard, be grateful for the opportunities you do get, and try not to set your expectations beyond what's reasonable.
  

It’s okay to feel these emotions because you are a human being. But you’re still responsible for your words and actions at the end of the day. Don’t say or do things out of jealousy that will burn bridges with your friends and peers or that you’ll end up regretting later.

And keep in mind...you can always move forward, but you very rarely take a step back. No one can take away what you’ve already done. You will only grow more experienced and learn more in time.